you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
