She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
