I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
