1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
