Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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