Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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