i permit you to call me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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