im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just want to make out with him forever
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
