I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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