You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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