her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
