He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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