Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
