How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
