I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
