Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
