he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
