Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
