I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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