i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
