new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
