Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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