So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
