dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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