i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
