I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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