you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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