sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
