My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
