After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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