my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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