Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
