i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
