Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
