I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
