How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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