Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I am in a vortex of obligation.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
my poor anus
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
