i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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