Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
try to milk me bitch
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
