2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
