I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
