I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
