I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
