I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
