just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
