Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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