I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
