I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
