I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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