My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
